Reality

Tonight I was killing sometime by watching a movie on ABC Family about bullying and how the “popular” and “A-list” kids (i.e. athletes) run the school and can make all the other students lives a living hell in high school. This reminded me of my own experience of high school and how bad the bullying was. I have heard so many sad stories of people being bullied there, and some even resorted to suicide. This makes my heart cry. I don’t understand how kids can be so cruel to each other.


Ultimately, when I thought about all of this I had to smile. Yes, I was traumatized by the years of bullying I endured during high school. Yes, those kids will probably never understand what they did to me…how they made me feel…how I still struggle because of what they did and said to me.


The best part is…IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER!! I am a strong, intelligent, successful woman. I have evolved from a timid girl who wouldn’t stand up for herself into an outspoken, confident girl who says exactly what is on her mind. I am not the same person they made me out to be. I am not a loser. I am not a failure. I AM ME!

Free Your Inhibitions

Fall Semester 2011 starts in 8 days. This also marks the beginning of my senior year of college at Metropolitan State University. I am set to graduate on April 26, 2012…just two days before the one year anniversary of my best friend, Gretchen Cooper’s, death. I know she would be so proud of me though, and that motivates and inspires me to make this the best year ever of school! I will make the most of the year I have left at MSU, and I will give school my all without holding back. I am ready to let go of my insecurities and give my writing everything I have within me.

Torn Priorities

There are 10 days left until my last year at Metropolitan State University starts. This semester is very crucial to my overall education. Last semester I struggled a lot due to my surgery and also the fact that I was struggling with PTSD and depression. Thanks to these issues and my lack of motivation and willingness to write, I was put on academic probation. This basically means that I have to focus most of my attention on school this semester so that I don’t get kicked out of school. This makes me feel really bad and anxious. My worst fear in life is that I will fail, especially at school. I can’t stand the fact that I wasn’t giving school the attention it deserves. I know that I am probably being too hard on myself, but it is hard not to be.


In the next few months I also need to help take care of my mom who is battling lung cancer. She starts chemo and radiation treatments next week and I know that it is going to make her very sick and weak. I am a little scared for how this is all going to play out, although I won’t admit that to anyone verbally. I mostly keep my fears and emotions to myself. I know this is really bad for me and my PTSD, but I can’t help it. I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else. On top of helping to care for my mom, I also need to help clean and cook around the apartment.

These two things are going to make up my “life” for the foreseeable future. I feel torn between these two aspects of my life. I don’t know which one I should find more important. I don’t know which one deserves more of my time. I feel like I should be able to say they are equally important and that both deserve all of my attention. However, I know that someone people in my family would view that as selfish on my part. To them, my personal stuff means absolutely nothing. This frustrates me extremely.

I am feeling so overwhelmed and depressed…increasingly so…I thought that I was getting better!!

Weekend Recap

I ended up being so busy this weekend that I never got the chance to get back on and write. It was good to have a busy weekend for a change again though. I also had a lot of fun overall, now that I am FINALLY getting over this bronchitis or whatever it is I had.


Saturday I went down to Kenyon and Wanamingo with Ally and Ken. They wanted to see where I used to live. It was weird to be back down there. The farm is torn down and is no longer there and it was strange to see other people living in our old house in Wanamingo. I miss the house a ton…I however do not miss living in a small town. I was telling my parents if we could put our house in Wanamingo on the farm property outside of Kenyon I would want to move back really bad.


After we got back from down there we picked up Sam at her house and then Sam and I went to see Paul at the movie theater. It was really good, funny. I needed the laughs…laughter is good for the soul! After the movie we went to the Mall of America and stopped to talk to Jenica before meeting up with Ally at the Rainforest Café. LOVE IT! That is my new favorite restaurant. I finally got home from MOA around 11pm and went straight to sleep.


Sunday morning I got up at 7am and got myself ready for Mass at St. John Neumann Catholic Church. That has got to be my favorite place on earth! I walk in the doors and immediately feel myself relax and I feel comfortable…almost like I’m home. I decided after Mass that I really need to start going back to church on a regular basis because when I left I felt absolutely amazing. Between church and my 40-Day Purpose Driven Life Challenge for Lent, I am happier than I have been in a really long time.


After church Ally, Sam and I headed to the Xcel Energy Center for the MN Swarm game…the Swarm lost, but I am definitely a HUGE Swarm fan now! We all had so much fun at the game and didn’t want to leave before the game was over. Unfortunately, we had to leave when there was still almost an entire quarter left because Sam had to get to work. I will definitely be going back to a Swarm game. After we dropped Sam off at work Ally and I went to Turtle’s Bar to eat with Mama J. I, again, went to bed early that night because I had to get up for my 3-month post-op appointment on Monday morning…more about that later. =)

Its the Weekend!!

It is the weekend!! I got all this week's homework done for my editing class this morning. I will admit that I have been slacking a little bit. I had a rough start to the semester due to my surgery back in December, but I finally got back into the swing of things right before Spring Break. I managed to pull everything together and finish up a half-semester class and pass. However, since I returned from Spring Break, I cannot get back into school....again. This is a problem, obviously. There are only about 5 weeks or so left of the semester and I really need to buckle down and get things in gear. I really need to step it up in my Writing About Place class too...I am very behind. At least with this class my instructor is also my academic advisor and he is being so helpful and understanding with it all!!

Today I am taking a mini-road trip down to Kenyon-Wanamingo...where I lived most of my adolescence. I have not been down there, nor have I wanted to go down there, in a really long time. I think it has been since 2006 when I was down for Mack's funeral...I think...Anyway, I am actually excited to go down there with Allyson and Ken in about a half hour. I will have to take pictures and post them later.After I get back from there I am going to a movie with Sammie.

I am actually getting excited for tomorrow too!! The first nationally televised Minnesota Swarm (LaCrosse) game is tomorrow and the team gave me 5 free tickets in a suite as a "Thank You" for working with the American Red Cross. I LOVE MY JOB!!!

Well, off to finish getting ready and I will write more later...Love my life =)

Long Day

It was a VERY long day today....was up late last night with baby Gabriel! I love that he was so happy and giggly, but I would have loved to sleep. I was up until almost 4am and then was awake at 8am this morning. I was out the door by 11am to take a mini-road trip with some friends. Even though I am still sick, it was really good to get out of the house.

This afternoon and early evening I spent some time at IHCC in the EMS wing and realized just how much I miss EMS and my "EMS family" there. I really want to get back into being a teacher's aide this summer for the EMT class. It will help me stay current with my skills and also feel like I am still apart of the amazing community they have there.

As much as I do miss EMS and the "family" at IHCC, I do not regret for a second majoring in writing and going to MSU. I love writing, it is a part of me and I will never be able to change that. I wrote a poem back when I first decided that I was going to apply to MSU and pursue a writing career....

Fork in the Road

This fork in the road still taunts me

And is messing with my dreams,

It wants me to take the easy way

At least that’s the way it seems

But little does it know

I have my dreams in check

And if it tries to get in my way,

Well damn it all to heck!

I gave up what I love

To follow along this path

But since I took this road

Seldom do I laugh

The path I chose seemed logical

And the road has been fairly smooth

But what if I take the bumpy road

Instead of the one that will soothe?

Will I regret turning my back

On the obvious choice

To really follow my heart

And make sure I have a voice?

To save a life or inspire it

Why can’t I do both?

Can’t I be a writer

And still uphold my oath?

I promised to be an EMT

To grant first aid and care

Why should I have to give up writing?

That just isn’t fair.

I promise you I’ll be the best

At both the things I do

Now stop taunting me you silly road

Cause you don’t have a clue!

© January 7, 2010, Tawny Marie

Catching Up

I have decided that I really need to get back into writing...it doesnt matter what I write, as long as I write. I need to write in a journal, write for homework, write for fun, edit stories I've already written, write an article...something...ANYTHING!!!

The other day I was writing to my newest adoptee through Soldiers' Angels and I was talking to him about how I forgot how much I LOVE to write. I have missed it. I don't know why it has taken me so long to realize it. Writing isn't just what I do for school or for a future career, it is a part of me. It is embedded into my soul and I need to stop fighting it.

I have so many thoughts racing through my mind right now....I will have to take some time later today to write them all down and post...I sadly don't have as much time as I thought when I started this post.

Time to get ready for a girls day with Jenna!! =)