Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Well...
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Exhaustion
It is not even the entire way through the first official week of the semester and I am already extremely exhausted. Of course, this is due to the fact that I have a ton of other things going on in my life at the moment. I don't know how single mom's can handle full-time school, full-time work, and being a full-time parent. They are truly AMAZING women...and men for the single dad's out there. I don't have kids of my own, although I help take care of my nephew, I don't work...except for volunteer and help take care of my mom...I do have full-time school. I am tired all the time it seems. I am battling my own health issues, but still. Sometimes I think I am weak for being so run down through it all---and other times I think I am strong for being able to fight through it all.
Well, tonight is my first night of my on-campus class...let's hope I don't get lost and overly stressed like I did last fall!!!!
Well, tonight is my first night of my on-campus class...let's hope I don't get lost and overly stressed like I did last fall!!!!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Reality
Tonight I was killing sometime by watching a movie on ABC Family about bullying and how the “popular” and “A-list” kids (i.e. athletes) run the school and can make all the other students lives a living hell in high school. This reminded me of my own experience of high school and how bad the bullying was. I have heard so many sad stories of people being bullied there, and some even resorted to suicide. This makes my heart cry. I don’t understand how kids can be so cruel to each other.
Ultimately, when I thought about all of this I had to smile. Yes, I was traumatized by the years of bullying I endured during high school. Yes, those kids will probably never understand what they did to me…how they made me feel…how I still struggle because of what they did and said to me.
The best part is…IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER!! I am a strong, intelligent, successful woman. I have evolved from a timid girl who wouldn’t stand up for herself into an outspoken, confident girl who says exactly what is on her mind. I am not the same person they made me out to be. I am not a loser. I am not a failure. I AM ME!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Hit the Ground Running!
Fall Semester officially began at midnight. I am only able to access the schedule/homework for two of my four classes right now. I was feeling so overwhelmed when I saw how much work I have to do this semester. I have promised myself that I am just going to take things one day at a time so that I don't get too overwhelmed. I want to stay on top of all my homework, however, and somewhat plan ahead in case there are any unexpected surprises with everything else going on in my life right now.
I have already put my homework/study schedules into my planner for my two marketing/advertising classes. This will help me stay on task and make sure that I complete assignments on time. I have discovered that I do better in school when I can look at a piece of paper and see what needs to be done rather than reading it on a computer screen.
I have managed to finish all of this week's homework for my advertising design class. I had a bunch of reading, an introduction post, and two quizzes. My hope is that this will lessen the stress I have this week with my mom's chemo and radiation treatments...as well as minimize the panic effect when I see the schedules for my other two classes I have to start. My goal is to start working on my marketing class readings tomorrow so that I can finish those fairly early in the week as well and maybe even work ahead.
Now tonight I can relax...enjoy dinner with family for my cousin Sam's 22nd birthday and then watching the Vikings game on TV with my mama! =) YAY for relaxing!
I have already put my homework/study schedules into my planner for my two marketing/advertising classes. This will help me stay on task and make sure that I complete assignments on time. I have discovered that I do better in school when I can look at a piece of paper and see what needs to be done rather than reading it on a computer screen.
I have managed to finish all of this week's homework for my advertising design class. I had a bunch of reading, an introduction post, and two quizzes. My hope is that this will lessen the stress I have this week with my mom's chemo and radiation treatments...as well as minimize the panic effect when I see the schedules for my other two classes I have to start. My goal is to start working on my marketing class readings tomorrow so that I can finish those fairly early in the week as well and maybe even work ahead.
Now tonight I can relax...enjoy dinner with family for my cousin Sam's 22nd birthday and then watching the Vikings game on TV with my mama! =) YAY for relaxing!
Friday, August 19, 2011
PRAYING!!!!
Tonight, I was checking my school email account to see if there were any emails from my instructors for this semester as it is common for them to send a "welcome email" just prior to the semester beginning. I didn't have any emails from instructors, just the usual updates I've been getting a lot lately from the college. I usually delete most of them without even reading them, and have especially been known to do this with the Catalyst Newsletter. I don't know why, I suppose I just felt like I didn't have time.
I decided to actually read the newsletter tonight and I am VERY thankful that I did. There was information that the College of Arts and Sciences (the program I am in for my degree of creative writing) is looking for work-study and student workers for an office writing position. It is only 10-20 hours a week at $8.20/hr...with a 15 cent raise after one semester.
Although it is not much, it would be ideal for me right now. I would only have to work two or three days a week. This leaves time to focus on my four classes I am taking and also still help out at home and spend time with my mom. I have been praying almost non-stop since I saw the job opening. My family really needs this. I really need this!!
I decided to actually read the newsletter tonight and I am VERY thankful that I did. There was information that the College of Arts and Sciences (the program I am in for my degree of creative writing) is looking for work-study and student workers for an office writing position. It is only 10-20 hours a week at $8.20/hr...with a 15 cent raise after one semester.
Although it is not much, it would be ideal for me right now. I would only have to work two or three days a week. This leaves time to focus on my four classes I am taking and also still help out at home and spend time with my mom. I have been praying almost non-stop since I saw the job opening. My family really needs this. I really need this!!
T-1 Day Until Fall Semester 2011
This week did not go as planned at all--to read an update and all the changes regarding my mom's chemo and radiation treatments go to: www.CaringBridge.org/visit/dianemichels
Fall Semester 2011 officially starts at midnight on Saturday August 20th. This makes me happy and nervous all at the same time. I feel so unprepared and overwhelmed for the next few months. I know that I wouldn't have this much anxiety if it weren't for all the things going on in my life right now. I am just going to try and schedule my time and make sure I give enough attention to all the important things going on in my life. I need to make sure to take some time for myself as well. My own mental well-being is just as important as everyone elses in the situation.
There is a lot of family drama going on right now and it is REALLY getting to me...but I am not going to talk about that right now.
I just wanted to give a little bit of an update about things and what I am feeling right now.
Fall Semester 2011 officially starts at midnight on Saturday August 20th. This makes me happy and nervous all at the same time. I feel so unprepared and overwhelmed for the next few months. I know that I wouldn't have this much anxiety if it weren't for all the things going on in my life right now. I am just going to try and schedule my time and make sure I give enough attention to all the important things going on in my life. I need to make sure to take some time for myself as well. My own mental well-being is just as important as everyone elses in the situation.
There is a lot of family drama going on right now and it is REALLY getting to me...but I am not going to talk about that right now.
I just wanted to give a little bit of an update about things and what I am feeling right now.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
First Day of Chemotherapy
Today is the first day of my mom's chemotherapy treatments. I am trying to stay calm and not have a breakdown like I've been doing the rest of the week. I am surprisingly a lot calmer than I have been. Maybe blowing up at my aunt yesterday unleashed the majority of all the anger I have been holding inside towards that family in general through all of this. I know that they have a right to be around and a right to be worried about her, but they also need to give us some space and stop treating me like I am 8 when I am 25.
We are leaving in about an hour to go to the hospital. My aunt Karen, my sister, and I are goin with her. I personally think it should have been immediate family only for the first time until we all get used to things, but no one really asked for my opinion. Also, this isn't about me, its about my mom. I have to go with whatever she decides ultimately because it is her decision.
Last night my dad and I took turns cleaning various rooms of the apartment and keeping an eye on my nephew, Gabriel. It worked out really well actually. We got the apartment clean and I still had time to get a nap in after Gabe left. After I woke up from my nap, which ended up being a little longer than intended, I made myself some dinner, showered, and then packed my "chemo bag."
Online, on some cancer site, I saw some ideas for what to pack if you are a chemo patient or just someone who is going to be spending the day with the patient while they have chemo. It suggested games to play, books to read, things to write on, laptops, phone chargers, ipods and mp3 players, handheld video games, etc. Basically things to keep everyone entertained during treatment. They also suggested snacks and water and things like that, but the Cancer Center said that they provide most of that--esp to the patient.
We will get through this...I will get through this...
We are leaving in about an hour to go to the hospital. My aunt Karen, my sister, and I are goin with her. I personally think it should have been immediate family only for the first time until we all get used to things, but no one really asked for my opinion. Also, this isn't about me, its about my mom. I have to go with whatever she decides ultimately because it is her decision.
Last night my dad and I took turns cleaning various rooms of the apartment and keeping an eye on my nephew, Gabriel. It worked out really well actually. We got the apartment clean and I still had time to get a nap in after Gabe left. After I woke up from my nap, which ended up being a little longer than intended, I made myself some dinner, showered, and then packed my "chemo bag."
Online, on some cancer site, I saw some ideas for what to pack if you are a chemo patient or just someone who is going to be spending the day with the patient while they have chemo. It suggested games to play, books to read, things to write on, laptops, phone chargers, ipods and mp3 players, handheld video games, etc. Basically things to keep everyone entertained during treatment. They also suggested snacks and water and things like that, but the Cancer Center said that they provide most of that--esp to the patient.
We will get through this...I will get through this...
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Long Week
This week is going to be very long with my mom starting chemo and radiation...plus school starts on Saturday.
Right now we are all frantically cleaning the apartment so that it is as clean as possible with mom having chemo tomorrow. I cleaned the bathroom and now I am starting on my room, since it needs to get done again anyway, and dad is working on the floors at the moment and containing all the dirty laundry in one area. I might see if Sam will want to go to a laundry place with me to do all the laundry when we have money one of these days. That way my mom doesn't have to help out really and we dont have to keep running up and down stairs to do it all.
I am really irritated today. I am seriously at my breaking point and I snapped at my aunt because she is trying to take control of everything and I just couldn't sit there and be quiet anymore. I am just so annoyed...I wish people would stop trying to tell me what to do...seriously the next person that tells me what to do is going to get told where to go!!
Right now we are all frantically cleaning the apartment so that it is as clean as possible with mom having chemo tomorrow. I cleaned the bathroom and now I am starting on my room, since it needs to get done again anyway, and dad is working on the floors at the moment and containing all the dirty laundry in one area. I might see if Sam will want to go to a laundry place with me to do all the laundry when we have money one of these days. That way my mom doesn't have to help out really and we dont have to keep running up and down stairs to do it all.
I am really irritated today. I am seriously at my breaking point and I snapped at my aunt because she is trying to take control of everything and I just couldn't sit there and be quiet anymore. I am just so annoyed...I wish people would stop trying to tell me what to do...seriously the next person that tells me what to do is going to get told where to go!!
Monday, August 15, 2011
RIP Grandpa
I love and miss you grandpa...wish that you were here!!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Cancer Poem
Thing's that Cancer cannot Do
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.
Author Unknown
This was left in the guestbook of my mom's CaringBridge site and I really liked it so I thought that I would share.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Editing and Organizing
Today I really need to go through and edit and organize my writing that I have done thus far. This primarily applies to my creative writing pieces--poetry, short stories, memoir pieces, etc. I probably will not get all of the editing done today, but I want to get a good start on it. My hope is to have it complete before the semester starts, at least of all my writings up to this point. I think it will be helpful to me to have all my work in a portfolio type setup so that I can read them on actual paper and not just a computer screen.
This will also come in handy when I take my writing capstone in the Spring semester and I need to make my final protfolio in order to graduate. Wow! I didn't even think about how close I am really getting to graduating and how much work it is going to take in Spring semester to accomplish my goals.
I think this is all still a shock to me after this past semester because of dealing with my gastric-bypass recovery, PTSD, depression, my mom's diagnosis of lung cancer...I didn't really have a desire to write. In fact, I thought that I was a horrible writer and that I should just quit because I would never make a good writer anyway. I am sure that I am not the first writer to experience this, and I am positive that I will not be the last.
I really hate that I doubt myself as a writer. I want to be confident enough to know that I am worth my degree, however I don't want to be overly confident or conceited. We will see how this last year at MSU goes..and how my editing and organizing goes over the next week before the semester starts.
Hey! It gives m something to do while I sit at the Cancer Center with my mom while she gets her chemo therapy treatments.
This will also come in handy when I take my writing capstone in the Spring semester and I need to make my final protfolio in order to graduate. Wow! I didn't even think about how close I am really getting to graduating and how much work it is going to take in Spring semester to accomplish my goals.
I think this is all still a shock to me after this past semester because of dealing with my gastric-bypass recovery, PTSD, depression, my mom's diagnosis of lung cancer...I didn't really have a desire to write. In fact, I thought that I was a horrible writer and that I should just quit because I would never make a good writer anyway. I am sure that I am not the first writer to experience this, and I am positive that I will not be the last.
I really hate that I doubt myself as a writer. I want to be confident enough to know that I am worth my degree, however I don't want to be overly confident or conceited. We will see how this last year at MSU goes..and how my editing and organizing goes over the next week before the semester starts.
Hey! It gives m something to do while I sit at the Cancer Center with my mom while she gets her chemo therapy treatments.
Free Your Inhibitions
Fall Semester 2011 starts in 8 days. This also marks the beginning of my senior year of college at Metropolitan State University. I am set to graduate on April 26, 2012…just two days before the one year anniversary of my best friend, Gretchen Cooper’s, death. I know she would be so proud of me though, and that motivates and inspires me to make this the best year ever of school! I will make the most of the year I have left at MSU, and I will give school my all without holding back. I am ready to let go of my insecurities and give my writing everything I have within me.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Torn Priorities
There are 10 days left until my last year at Metropolitan State University starts. This semester is very crucial to my overall education. Last semester I struggled a lot due to my surgery and also the fact that I was struggling with PTSD and depression. Thanks to these issues and my lack of motivation and willingness to write, I was put on academic probation. This basically means that I have to focus most of my attention on school this semester so that I don’t get kicked out of school. This makes me feel really bad and anxious. My worst fear in life is that I will fail, especially at school. I can’t stand the fact that I wasn’t giving school the attention it deserves. I know that I am probably being too hard on myself, but it is hard not to be.
In the next few months I also need to help take care of my mom who is battling lung cancer. She starts chemo and radiation treatments next week and I know that it is going to make her very sick and weak. I am a little scared for how this is all going to play out, although I won’t admit that to anyone verbally. I mostly keep my fears and emotions to myself. I know this is really bad for me and my PTSD, but I can’t help it. I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else. On top of helping to care for my mom, I also need to help clean and cook around the apartment.
These two things are going to make up my “life” for the foreseeable future. I feel torn between these two aspects of my life. I don’t know which one I should find more important. I don’t know which one deserves more of my time. I feel like I should be able to say they are equally important and that both deserve all of my attention. However, I know that someone people in my family would view that as selfish on my part. To them, my personal stuff means absolutely nothing. This frustrates me extremely.
I am feeling so overwhelmed and depressed…increasingly so…I thought that I was getting better!!
In the next few months I also need to help take care of my mom who is battling lung cancer. She starts chemo and radiation treatments next week and I know that it is going to make her very sick and weak. I am a little scared for how this is all going to play out, although I won’t admit that to anyone verbally. I mostly keep my fears and emotions to myself. I know this is really bad for me and my PTSD, but I can’t help it. I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else. On top of helping to care for my mom, I also need to help clean and cook around the apartment.
These two things are going to make up my “life” for the foreseeable future. I feel torn between these two aspects of my life. I don’t know which one I should find more important. I don’t know which one deserves more of my time. I feel like I should be able to say they are equally important and that both deserve all of my attention. However, I know that someone people in my family would view that as selfish on my part. To them, my personal stuff means absolutely nothing. This frustrates me extremely.
I am feeling so overwhelmed and depressed…increasingly so…I thought that I was getting better!!
Outside Me vs. Inside Me
Outside Me vs. Inside Me
The outside me is almost always smiling…
People only see the part of me that I want them to.
The inside me is almost always crying…
I don’t trust anyone enough to let them see the real me.
The outside me doesn’t care what people think…
They can’t make me feel inferior without my consent
The inside me is always wondering if I am secretly being judged…
I walk with my head down so I don’t have to see the disapproval.
The outside me is not a super model…
I don’t have the perfect body and I don’t find myself attractive.
The inside me is the definition of beautiful at its core…
I am compassionate, ambitious, and loving.
The outside me is nothing special…
I don’t have any spectacular features.
The inside me shines with a heart of gold…
I care so deeply about the happiness of others.
The outside me is strong and brave…
I can handle anything and will always achieve my dreams.
The inside me is struggling with pain and insecurity…
I have been through so many traumas and don’t know my worth.
The outside me doesn’t spend hours in front of the mirror…
I just throw on clothes and walk out the door.
The inside me tells me that it won’t make me beautiful…
No matter what I do, people won’t accept me anyway.
At the end of the day, the two sides of me are at odds…
They can’t agree on anything.
But there are three things they have in common…
They both want to be seen, heard, and accepted.
© May 27, 2011, Tawny Marie Michels
I'm Strong
I’m Strong…
I’m strong because I have to be…
I’m strong because no one will be strong for me
I’m strong because I feel alone…
I’m strong because no one will hold me up
I’m strong because I am falling…
I’m strong because no one will catch me
I’m strong because I’m not a princess…
I’m strong because no one will love me
I’m strong because I’m hard to love…
I’m strong because no one sees the real me
I’m strong because I’m pushing on…
I’m strong because no one will help me through
I’m strong because I won’t back down…
I’m strong because no one will stand up for me
I’m strong because I’m me…
I’m strong because no one can replace me
© March 24, 2011, Tawny Marie Michels
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