There are 10 days left until my last year at Metropolitan State University starts. This semester is very crucial to my overall education. Last semester I struggled a lot due to my surgery and also the fact that I was struggling with PTSD and depression. Thanks to these issues and my lack of motivation and willingness to write, I was put on academic probation. This basically means that I have to focus most of my attention on school this semester so that I don’t get kicked out of school. This makes me feel really bad and anxious. My worst fear in life is that I will fail, especially at school. I can’t stand the fact that I wasn’t giving school the attention it deserves. I know that I am probably being too hard on myself, but it is hard not to be.
In the next few months I also need to help take care of my mom who is battling lung cancer. She starts chemo and radiation treatments next week and I know that it is going to make her very sick and weak. I am a little scared for how this is all going to play out, although I won’t admit that to anyone verbally. I mostly keep my fears and emotions to myself. I know this is really bad for me and my PTSD, but I can’t help it. I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else. On top of helping to care for my mom, I also need to help clean and cook around the apartment.
These two things are going to make up my “life” for the foreseeable future. I feel torn between these two aspects of my life. I don’t know which one I should find more important. I don’t know which one deserves more of my time. I feel like I should be able to say they are equally important and that both deserve all of my attention. However, I know that someone people in my family would view that as selfish on my part. To them, my personal stuff means absolutely nothing. This frustrates me extremely.
I am feeling so overwhelmed and depressed…increasingly so…I thought that I was getting better!!
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