Book List

I have decided to make a list of all the books I want to read over my lifetime...I have included books I have already read but want to read again. I also plan to add to it as I read more--unplanned books. It's crazy to me that I already have 110 books on the list!

Long 48 Hours

I think the past two days have been the longest in my life. I have been in pain for awhile, but last night I finally gave in and went to the hospital.

Little did I know, I was going to be stuck there all night long. We arrived at the ER at approximately 10:15pm and left there around 6:45am.

I managed to get some sleep when I returned home...to my big comfy bed. I, however, had to get up before I was ready due to the fact that I needed to bring my mom to her radiation appointment. I have been incoherent and exhausted all day--don't even get me started on the pain and the bathroom factor in all of this.

To top off my "lovely" past two days, I found out that the ONE class I need to fulfill my major requirements for my degree is only offered during fall semesters. So...I prob will BORne graduating in April like I was supposed to.

Booya!

Today MSU had their Fall Fest/Welcome Back Carnival on campus...unfortunately I couldn't find anyone to accompany me. Even if I had found someone, I don't know that I would have been up for it. I have been very run down and sick lately. Everything seems to be building up and I am unsure how to manage it all. I feel like I am breaking down and no one is here to catch me when I fall.

On the plus side, I got to enjoy some yummy Booya (soup) made by my brother-in-law. Dunham's bar was hosting the event. It tasted so amazing, better than I remember it being. I am really starting to love that I feel closer to my sister lately as well :)

Can't Sleep

So...it is twenty to four in the morning. Why am I awake, you ask? I have no flipping clue! I am overly exhausted and have been very stressed out. Yet, here I am, lying in bed staring at the ceiling. I need to learn how to turn my brain off...if anyone has any ideas, let me know!

School and EMS?

I have decided to register for an EMT refresher course. I was feeling really good about it until about two hours ago. I am feeling completely overwhelmed and am in a general state of panic. I am not sure how to handle all the stress and pressure I am under right now :(

Darryl Worley - Have You Forgotten?

Ughhhhh

Second full week of classes...and I already missed my Writing Children's Literature class. I have a massive double kidney infection and had to miss Thursday night. I am really upset about it, and I feel like I am already struggling through this semester. This is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be with all my mom is going through now. I need strength.....sigh...

Well...

I will be having a surgical proceedure on Tuesday morning at 7:20am to have two moles removed. Turns out the are 98% positive I have skin cancer. They are just not sure what stage or exactly what type...although it is very likely melanoma.

Exhaustion

It is not even the entire way through the first official week of the semester and I am already extremely exhausted. Of course, this is due to the fact that I have a ton of other things going on in my life at the moment. I don't know how single mom's can handle full-time school, full-time work, and being a full-time parent. They are truly AMAZING women...and men for the single dad's out there. I don't have kids of my own, although I help take care of my nephew, I don't work...except for volunteer and help take care of my mom...I do have full-time school. I am tired all the time it seems. I am battling my own health issues, but still. Sometimes I think I am weak for being so run down through it all---and other times I think I am strong for being able to fight through it all.

Well, tonight is my first  night of my on-campus class...let's hope I don't get lost and overly stressed like I did last fall!!!!

Reality

Tonight I was killing sometime by watching a movie on ABC Family about bullying and how the “popular” and “A-list” kids (i.e. athletes) run the school and can make all the other students lives a living hell in high school. This reminded me of my own experience of high school and how bad the bullying was. I have heard so many sad stories of people being bullied there, and some even resorted to suicide. This makes my heart cry. I don’t understand how kids can be so cruel to each other.


Ultimately, when I thought about all of this I had to smile. Yes, I was traumatized by the years of bullying I endured during high school. Yes, those kids will probably never understand what they did to me…how they made me feel…how I still struggle because of what they did and said to me.


The best part is…IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER!! I am a strong, intelligent, successful woman. I have evolved from a timid girl who wouldn’t stand up for herself into an outspoken, confident girl who says exactly what is on her mind. I am not the same person they made me out to be. I am not a loser. I am not a failure. I AM ME!

Hit the Ground Running!

Fall Semester officially began at midnight. I am only able to access the schedule/homework for two of my four classes right now. I was feeling so overwhelmed when I saw how much work I have to do this semester. I have promised myself that I am just going to take things one day at a time so that I don't get too overwhelmed. I want to stay on top of all my homework, however, and somewhat plan ahead in case there are any unexpected surprises with everything else going on in my life right now.

I have already put my homework/study schedules into my planner for my two marketing/advertising classes. This will help me stay on task and make sure that I complete assignments on time. I have discovered that I do better in school when I can look at a piece of paper and see what needs to be done rather than reading it on a computer screen.

I have managed to finish all of this week's homework for my advertising design class. I had a bunch of reading, an introduction post, and two quizzes. My hope is that this will lessen the stress I have this week with my mom's chemo and radiation treatments...as well as minimize the panic effect when I see the schedules for my other two classes I have to start. My goal is to start working on my marketing class readings tomorrow so that I can finish those fairly early in the week as well and maybe even work ahead.

Now tonight I can relax...enjoy dinner with family for my cousin Sam's 22nd birthday and then watching the Vikings game on TV with my mama! =) YAY for relaxing!

PRAYING!!!!

Tonight, I was checking my school email account to see if there were any emails from my instructors for this semester as it is common for them to send a "welcome email" just prior to the semester beginning. I didn't have any emails from instructors, just the usual updates I've been getting a lot lately from the college. I usually delete most of them without even reading them, and have especially been known to do this with the Catalyst Newsletter. I don't know why, I suppose I just felt like I didn't have time.

I decided to actually read the newsletter tonight and I am VERY thankful that I did. There was information that the College of Arts and Sciences (the program I am in for my degree of creative writing) is looking for work-study and student workers for an office writing position. It is only 10-20 hours a week at $8.20/hr...with a 15 cent raise after one semester.

Although it is not much, it would be ideal for me right now. I would only have to work two or three days a week. This leaves time to focus on my four classes I am taking and also still help out at home and spend time with my mom. I have been praying almost non-stop since I saw the job opening. My family really needs this. I really need this!!

T-1 Day Until Fall Semester 2011

This week did not go as planned at all--to read an update and all the changes regarding my mom's chemo and radiation treatments go to: www.CaringBridge.org/visit/dianemichels

Fall Semester 2011 officially starts at midnight on Saturday August 20th. This makes me happy and nervous all at the same time. I feel so unprepared and overwhelmed for the next few months. I know that I wouldn't have this much anxiety if it weren't for all the things going on in my life right now. I am just going to try and schedule my time and make sure I give enough attention to all the important things going on in my life. I need to make sure to take some time for myself as well. My own mental well-being is just as important as everyone elses in the situation.

There is a lot of family drama going on right now and it is REALLY getting to me...but I am not going to talk about that right now.

I just wanted to give a little bit of an update about things and what I am feeling right now.

First Day of Chemotherapy

Today is the first day of my mom's chemotherapy treatments. I am trying to stay calm and not have a breakdown like I've been doing the rest of the week. I am surprisingly a lot calmer than I have been. Maybe blowing up at my aunt yesterday unleashed the majority of all the anger I have been holding inside towards that family in general through all of this. I know that they have a right to be around and a right to be worried about her, but they also need to give us some space and stop treating me like I am 8 when I am 25.

We are leaving in about an hour to go to the hospital. My aunt Karen, my sister, and I are goin with her. I personally think it should have been immediate family only for the first time until we all get used to things, but no one really asked for my opinion. Also, this isn't about me, its about my mom. I have to go with whatever she decides ultimately because it is her decision.

Last night my dad and I took turns cleaning various rooms of the apartment and keeping an eye on my nephew, Gabriel. It worked out really well actually. We got the apartment clean and I still had time to get a nap in after Gabe left. After I woke up from my nap, which ended up being a little longer than intended, I made myself some dinner, showered, and then packed my "chemo bag."

Online, on some cancer site, I saw some ideas for what to pack if you are a chemo patient or just someone who is going to be spending the day with the patient while they have chemo. It suggested games to play, books to read, things to write on, laptops, phone chargers, ipods and mp3 players, handheld video games, etc. Basically things to keep everyone entertained during treatment. They also suggested snacks and water and things like that, but the Cancer Center said that they provide most of that--esp to the patient.

We will get through this...I will get through this...

Long Week

This week is going to be very long with my mom starting chemo and radiation...plus school starts on Saturday.

Right now we are all frantically cleaning the apartment so that it is as clean as possible with mom having chemo tomorrow. I cleaned the bathroom and now I am starting on my room, since it needs to get done again anyway, and dad is working on the floors at the moment and containing all the dirty laundry in one area. I might see if Sam will want to go to a laundry place with me to do all the laundry when we have money one of these days. That way my mom doesn't have to help out really and we dont have to keep running up and down stairs to do it all.

I am really irritated today. I am seriously at my breaking point and I snapped at my aunt because she is trying to take control of everything and I just couldn't sit there and be quiet anymore. I am just so annoyed...I wish people would stop trying to tell me what to do...seriously the next person that tells me what to do is going to get told where to go!!

RIP Grandpa

15 years ago today my grandpa lost the battle with esophogeal cancer...I miss him every day, but now more than ever.

I love and miss you grandpa...wish that you were here!!

Cancer Poem

Thing's that Cancer cannot Do

It cannot cripple love.

It cannot shatter hope.

It cannot corrode faith.

It cannot eat away peace.

It cannot destroy confidence.

It cannot kill friendship.

It cannot shut out memories.

It cannot silence courage.

It cannot reduce eternal life.

It cannot quench the Spirit.

Author Unknown

This was left in the guestbook of my mom's CaringBridge site and I really liked it so I thought that I would share.

Editing and Organizing

Today I really need to go through and edit and organize my writing that I have done thus far. This primarily applies to my creative writing pieces--poetry, short stories, memoir pieces, etc. I probably will not get all of the editing done today, but I want to get a good start on it. My hope is to have it complete before the semester starts, at least of all my writings up to this point. I think it will be helpful to me to have all my work in a portfolio type setup so that I can read them on actual paper and not just a computer screen.

This will also come in handy when I take my writing capstone in the Spring semester and I need to make my final protfolio in order to graduate. Wow! I didn't even think about how close I am really getting to graduating and how much work it is going to take in Spring semester to accomplish my goals.

I think this is all still a shock to me after this past semester because of dealing with my gastric-bypass recovery, PTSD, depression, my mom's diagnosis of lung cancer...I didn't really have a desire to write. In fact, I thought that I was a horrible writer and that I should just quit because I would never make a good writer anyway. I am sure that I am not the first writer to experience this, and I am positive that I will not be the last.

I really hate that I doubt myself as a writer. I want to be confident enough to know that I am worth my degree, however I don't want to be overly confident or conceited. We will see how this last year at MSU goes..and how my editing and organizing goes over the next week before the semester starts.

Hey! It gives m something to do while I sit at the Cancer Center with my mom while she gets her chemo therapy treatments.

Free Your Inhibitions

Fall Semester 2011 starts in 8 days. This also marks the beginning of my senior year of college at Metropolitan State University. I am set to graduate on April 26, 2012…just two days before the one year anniversary of my best friend, Gretchen Cooper’s, death. I know she would be so proud of me though, and that motivates and inspires me to make this the best year ever of school! I will make the most of the year I have left at MSU, and I will give school my all without holding back. I am ready to let go of my insecurities and give my writing everything I have within me.

Torn Priorities

There are 10 days left until my last year at Metropolitan State University starts. This semester is very crucial to my overall education. Last semester I struggled a lot due to my surgery and also the fact that I was struggling with PTSD and depression. Thanks to these issues and my lack of motivation and willingness to write, I was put on academic probation. This basically means that I have to focus most of my attention on school this semester so that I don’t get kicked out of school. This makes me feel really bad and anxious. My worst fear in life is that I will fail, especially at school. I can’t stand the fact that I wasn’t giving school the attention it deserves. I know that I am probably being too hard on myself, but it is hard not to be.


In the next few months I also need to help take care of my mom who is battling lung cancer. She starts chemo and radiation treatments next week and I know that it is going to make her very sick and weak. I am a little scared for how this is all going to play out, although I won’t admit that to anyone verbally. I mostly keep my fears and emotions to myself. I know this is really bad for me and my PTSD, but I can’t help it. I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else. On top of helping to care for my mom, I also need to help clean and cook around the apartment.

These two things are going to make up my “life” for the foreseeable future. I feel torn between these two aspects of my life. I don’t know which one I should find more important. I don’t know which one deserves more of my time. I feel like I should be able to say they are equally important and that both deserve all of my attention. However, I know that someone people in my family would view that as selfish on my part. To them, my personal stuff means absolutely nothing. This frustrates me extremely.

I am feeling so overwhelmed and depressed…increasingly so…I thought that I was getting better!!

Gabe's First Como Zoo Trip...and Photography

Outside Me vs. Inside Me

Outside Me vs. Inside Me

The outside me is almost always smiling…

People only see the part of me that I want them to.

                     The inside me is almost always crying…

                     I don’t trust anyone enough to let them see the real me.

The outside me doesn’t care what people think…

They can’t make me feel inferior without my consent

                 The inside me is always wondering if I am secretly being judged…

                I walk with my head down so I don’t have to see the disapproval.

The outside me is not a super model…

I don’t have the perfect body and I don’t find myself attractive.

               The inside me is the definition of beautiful at its core…

               I am compassionate, ambitious, and loving.

The outside me is nothing special…

I don’t have any spectacular features.

              The inside me shines with a heart of gold…

             I care so deeply about the happiness of others.

The outside me is strong and brave…

I can handle anything and will always achieve my dreams.

               The inside me is struggling with pain and insecurity…

               I have been through so many traumas and don’t know my worth.

The outside me doesn’t spend hours in front of the mirror…

I just throw on clothes and walk out the door.

             The inside me tells me that it won’t make me beautiful…

             No matter what I do, people won’t accept me anyway.

At the end of the day, the two sides of me are at odds…

They can’t agree on anything.

                But there are three things they have in common…

               They both want to be seen, heard, and accepted.

© May 27, 2011, Tawny Marie Michels

I'm Strong

I’m Strong…

I’m strong because I have to be…

I’m strong because no one will be strong for me

I’m strong because I feel alone…

I’m strong because no one will hold me up

I’m strong because I am falling…

I’m strong because no one will catch me

I’m strong because I’m not a princess…

I’m strong because no one will love me

I’m strong because I’m hard to love…

I’m strong because no one sees the real me

I’m strong because I’m pushing on…

I’m strong because no one will help me through

I’m strong because I won’t back down…

I’m strong because no one will stand up for me

I’m strong because I’m me…

I’m strong because no one can replace me

© March 24, 2011, Tawny Marie Michels

Holy Week

HAPPY PALM SUNDAY!!!

Today is the start of Holy Week for many Christian religions/denominations. It will be a busy but blessed week for me. I am going through a lot of personal things right now, but I know that He will pull me through it and I will be a stronger person.

Hope everyone has a great week and I will write more and explain when things calm down a little bit more.

Haute Dish and Fall 2011

So...I submitted my writing to the literary magazine of MSU--Haute Dish. I have been published in the magazine previously, but none of my writing has been published with them. I have only had photographs in there. This is an accomplishment in itself and I was very excited about it, but I really want my writing published--obviously, since I am a creative writing major. I submitted 4 pieces total--two poems, a creative nonfiction piece, and a fiction piece. The deadline for submissions for the summer issue is not until April 18th so I will not know if they are going to publish anything until probably May 1st.

In other news of my life...I enrolled in classes for the Fall 2011 semester.  I am taking four classes...which has been my usual since beginning at MSU. I will only need to take 3 courses in the Spring of 2012 and then I will graduate...granted that I pass all of my courses that I am currently in. I am still a little bit worried that I will NOT pass editing...but only time will tell. There is only four weeks left of school...so this will make life interesting for the next month or so.

FALL 2011—Class Schedule at MSU


MKTG 310 Consumer and Professional Buyer Behavior --Online

INFS 338 Craft and Commerce of Book Publishing --Online

WRIT 355 Writing Children's Literature --Thursdays (6pm-9:20pm)

MKTG 348 Advertising Design, Production, and Copywriting --Online

Breaking Down

I’m breaking down,

I’m falling

But if you look inside of me

My soul is always bawling

Both my feet are planted

Firmly on the floor

But my heart can’t seem to deal

With this pain much more

I go through life pretending

That I am really tough

But inside I will always know

This road I’m on is rough

Everyone expects me to keep faith

And always to be strong

But this road I’m on is getting hard

And it seems forever long

I really want to make myself believe

That soon this all will end

And then my pain will go away

And I will truly begin to mend

I just want someone to comfort me

To take hold of my hand

And lead me through this dark place

That is full of all this sand

How can my feet be firmly planted

Underneath me on the ground

When I feel so lost and alone

Like I’m just spinning around?

How can I begin to deal

With all of my heart’s breaking

And continue along my life

While all I’m doing is faking?

I know this path I’m on

May not affect you today

But when you really think of it

You will really start to say

“That girl is really tough

And that girl is strong

But how do you think

She is getting along?”

When that day approaches

And is a reality for me

I will start to tell them all

To really look and see

That God has always been the one

Who began to clear the way

So that I could go on living

And fight for another day

They will never understand

Or really truly know

What I feel down deep inside

When the wind begins to blow

God is there to be my guide

And always stand beside me

To let me know he’s in my life

And that soon I will be free

Life is really good

But life is also rough

Good things can only come

To those who are truly tough

They must always go on living

And keep their head held high

Knowing that one day they will be His Angel

Looking down on the world from the sky

© August 8, 2010, Tawny Marie

Life is Not A Fairytale

(November 6, 2010)

Life is not a fairytale. It isn’t filled with the perfect ending and a love that never dies. Life is filled with mistakes, heartache, loss, and tearful goodbyes. The bigger the risk, the bigger the mistake may be. The deeper you love, the more tearful the goodbye. The closer you hold people to your heart, the more drastic the heartache. The more you need someone, the more painful the loss.


The perfect, fairytale ending doesn’t exist because life is full of contradictions and trials. The truth is that this is a much better way to live than in a storybook or a Disney movie. The more you fall and dust yourself off again, the more it makes life worth it. People make mistakes, they give up and let go, they change their minds and do the one thing they swore they’d never do, but this is what makes them who they are.


Without all the unmapped roads taken, the speed bumps we didn’t see, the choices we never thought we would make, and even that step off a cliff made us strong. All the loves that left, all the lies we are told, all the people who betray our trust, and all the unfair life lessons that we learn bring us to appreciate the good lovers, all the truths we are told, all the loyal people in our lives, and all the good advice that we receive. Without all the hard times in life, we would take the good times for granted.


We must learn from our mistakes and remember the valuable lessons that we learn. Love like you have never been hurt, keep those you care for close, and fully experience the tears. We will all love and lose, achieve and fail, try and give up, and even though it isn’t always fair, it will always be worth it. At the end of the day it is true, life is not a fairytale…it is much better!

Weekend Recap

I ended up being so busy this weekend that I never got the chance to get back on and write. It was good to have a busy weekend for a change again though. I also had a lot of fun overall, now that I am FINALLY getting over this bronchitis or whatever it is I had.


Saturday I went down to Kenyon and Wanamingo with Ally and Ken. They wanted to see where I used to live. It was weird to be back down there. The farm is torn down and is no longer there and it was strange to see other people living in our old house in Wanamingo. I miss the house a ton…I however do not miss living in a small town. I was telling my parents if we could put our house in Wanamingo on the farm property outside of Kenyon I would want to move back really bad.


After we got back from down there we picked up Sam at her house and then Sam and I went to see Paul at the movie theater. It was really good, funny. I needed the laughs…laughter is good for the soul! After the movie we went to the Mall of America and stopped to talk to Jenica before meeting up with Ally at the Rainforest Café. LOVE IT! That is my new favorite restaurant. I finally got home from MOA around 11pm and went straight to sleep.


Sunday morning I got up at 7am and got myself ready for Mass at St. John Neumann Catholic Church. That has got to be my favorite place on earth! I walk in the doors and immediately feel myself relax and I feel comfortable…almost like I’m home. I decided after Mass that I really need to start going back to church on a regular basis because when I left I felt absolutely amazing. Between church and my 40-Day Purpose Driven Life Challenge for Lent, I am happier than I have been in a really long time.


After church Ally, Sam and I headed to the Xcel Energy Center for the MN Swarm game…the Swarm lost, but I am definitely a HUGE Swarm fan now! We all had so much fun at the game and didn’t want to leave before the game was over. Unfortunately, we had to leave when there was still almost an entire quarter left because Sam had to get to work. I will definitely be going back to a Swarm game. After we dropped Sam off at work Ally and I went to Turtle’s Bar to eat with Mama J. I, again, went to bed early that night because I had to get up for my 3-month post-op appointment on Monday morning…more about that later. =)

Its the Weekend!!

It is the weekend!! I got all this week's homework done for my editing class this morning. I will admit that I have been slacking a little bit. I had a rough start to the semester due to my surgery back in December, but I finally got back into the swing of things right before Spring Break. I managed to pull everything together and finish up a half-semester class and pass. However, since I returned from Spring Break, I cannot get back into school....again. This is a problem, obviously. There are only about 5 weeks or so left of the semester and I really need to buckle down and get things in gear. I really need to step it up in my Writing About Place class too...I am very behind. At least with this class my instructor is also my academic advisor and he is being so helpful and understanding with it all!!

Today I am taking a mini-road trip down to Kenyon-Wanamingo...where I lived most of my adolescence. I have not been down there, nor have I wanted to go down there, in a really long time. I think it has been since 2006 when I was down for Mack's funeral...I think...Anyway, I am actually excited to go down there with Allyson and Ken in about a half hour. I will have to take pictures and post them later.After I get back from there I am going to a movie with Sammie.

I am actually getting excited for tomorrow too!! The first nationally televised Minnesota Swarm (LaCrosse) game is tomorrow and the team gave me 5 free tickets in a suite as a "Thank You" for working with the American Red Cross. I LOVE MY JOB!!!

Well, off to finish getting ready and I will write more later...Love my life =)

Long Day

It was a VERY long day today....was up late last night with baby Gabriel! I love that he was so happy and giggly, but I would have loved to sleep. I was up until almost 4am and then was awake at 8am this morning. I was out the door by 11am to take a mini-road trip with some friends. Even though I am still sick, it was really good to get out of the house.

This afternoon and early evening I spent some time at IHCC in the EMS wing and realized just how much I miss EMS and my "EMS family" there. I really want to get back into being a teacher's aide this summer for the EMT class. It will help me stay current with my skills and also feel like I am still apart of the amazing community they have there.

As much as I do miss EMS and the "family" at IHCC, I do not regret for a second majoring in writing and going to MSU. I love writing, it is a part of me and I will never be able to change that. I wrote a poem back when I first decided that I was going to apply to MSU and pursue a writing career....

Fork in the Road

This fork in the road still taunts me

And is messing with my dreams,

It wants me to take the easy way

At least that’s the way it seems

But little does it know

I have my dreams in check

And if it tries to get in my way,

Well damn it all to heck!

I gave up what I love

To follow along this path

But since I took this road

Seldom do I laugh

The path I chose seemed logical

And the road has been fairly smooth

But what if I take the bumpy road

Instead of the one that will soothe?

Will I regret turning my back

On the obvious choice

To really follow my heart

And make sure I have a voice?

To save a life or inspire it

Why can’t I do both?

Can’t I be a writer

And still uphold my oath?

I promised to be an EMT

To grant first aid and care

Why should I have to give up writing?

That just isn’t fair.

I promise you I’ll be the best

At both the things I do

Now stop taunting me you silly road

Cause you don’t have a clue!

© January 7, 2010, Tawny Marie

POEM--Snow Globe

Snow Globe

Inside of the snow globe where dreams come true

And I have everything I want, including you.

Inside of the snow globe where happiness will never lack

And the best part about it is that I have you back.

Inside of the snow globe it is Christmas every day

And loving words are all you say.

Inside of the snow globe we play in the snow

And I don’t need to say the things you already know.

Inside of the snow globe everything seems real

And I never have to question how you truly feel.

Inside of the snow globe the snow begins to clear

And I start to realize my biggest fear.

Inside of the snow globe everything is fake

And although I want to, these things I cannot take.

Inside of the snow globe I feel no strife

But that is where I left the love of my life.

Inside of the snow globe I can see my heart

And I see that it is falling apart.

Inside of the snow globe you continue to move on

And I’ll learn to accept that you are gone.

Inside of the snow globe where dreams came true

And I had everything I wanted, including you.

Inside of the snow globe where happiness didn’t lack

And the best part about it was I had you back.

© Dec 26, 2009, Tawny Marie Michels

Thoughts Are Racing...

Thoughts are racing through my mind right now. I don’t know what to feel or think. I feel torn in many directions. I want to do something amazing in life; I want something to be happy and proud about, but right now I just don’t feel like I’ve done anything. I know that I have already accomplished so much in life, more than most 25-year-olds have even dreamt about.


My life has been full of trials and tribulations, yet I have overcome them all and still managed to keep faith. In fact, my faith is what keeps me going. I would not be where I am without my faith and trust in God. Without him, I would probably have given up on life…but I continue to fight. I know that this journey I am on in life will bring me to great destinations and that I will be able to look back on my life and be proud of who I have become.

I have made mistakes; I have taken the wrong path at times. I am not perfect and there are things I wish I could change sometimes. I know now though that I would not be who I am and where I am without all the mistakes that I have made throughout my short 25 years. At the end of the day all that really matters is that I know I am trying to be the best person that I can and that I am trying to better my life and the lives of those around me. I learned a long time ago that I may not be able to change the world, but I refuse to let that keep me from making an impact upon it.

This is me…take it or leave it!

Catching Up

I have decided that I really need to get back into writing...it doesnt matter what I write, as long as I write. I need to write in a journal, write for homework, write for fun, edit stories I've already written, write an article...something...ANYTHING!!!

The other day I was writing to my newest adoptee through Soldiers' Angels and I was talking to him about how I forgot how much I LOVE to write. I have missed it. I don't know why it has taken me so long to realize it. Writing isn't just what I do for school or for a future career, it is a part of me. It is embedded into my soul and I need to stop fighting it.

I have so many thoughts racing through my mind right now....I will have to take some time later today to write them all down and post...I sadly don't have as much time as I thought when I started this post.

Time to get ready for a girls day with Jenna!! =)

Short Story--Reflections

Reflections© Tawny Marie Michels

(September 2008)

 My thighs are too big, my eyes are too far apart, my ears are not symmetrical…how can this be what I look like? My sister is gorgeous, my brothers are great-looking, at least that is what all my friends tell me; how did I become this hideous freak of nature? Every time I look in the mirror it just gets worse. My brothers tell me I’m delusional, my parents say I am just being paranoid, but they have to say these things because they are family. I haven’t eaten in a week; maybe I should check and see how much weight I have lost—105, that can’t be right! I look in the mirror and see this hippopotamus but step on a scale and am perfect; how can that be? “Mom! This scare is broken!” I yell down the stairs to my mother. “MOM! Seriously, we need a new scale!”

“Brittyn, the scale is not broken,” my mother tries to reassure me as she climbs the winding staircase. “What’s the matter? Did you gain a pound or two? You look great, baby.”

“No, that’s not it. It actually says I lost 15 pounds but I don’t see it. I am huge!”

My mother rolls her eyes at me, “Sweetheart, you are not huge! You are perfect just the way you are.”

“Then how come when I look in the mirror I see a heifer? I get uglier every day, I swear it. Just look in the mirror with me.”

Soon after this conversation I am in my bed waking up to the sound of whispers outside my door. I can’t make out what is being said, but I can tell that the voices are my grandparents. Why are my grandparents here?

I don’t have time to contemplate this thought, the door knob is turning and my door is slowly opening as my parents and grandparents come to an abrupt halt when they see that I am awake and sitting up in the bed. I look at them inquisitively.

“Grandma, Grandpa…why are you here? I thought that you weren’t going to be able to come until Christmas?” I know this can only mean one thing, there is bad news to come. I realize that this bad news has to do with me when my grandma comes over and takes my hand.

“Sweetheart, we are concerned about you and your health,” my grandmother’s sweet, honey voice fills the room, but it echoes almost as though we are in an auditorium and she is talking to me from far away. “Grandpa and I think that you should come and stay near us for awhile. There is a wonderful hospital there and they can help you.”

“A hospital—what are you talking about? I don’t need help; I am just fine! I can lose weight on my own!” I am screaming by this point and turn to my parents, “You want to send me away because I am getting fat?”

“Fat?!” My father looks shocked, “We are sending you away to get you help to gain weight, not lose it. You obviously have an eating disorder, sweetie.”

“We want you to see yourself the way others see you. You have lost so much weight and you barely eat. You look sick; we are concerned.” This is the first time my mother has ever said anything other than how beautiful she thinks I am. Maybe they have brainwashed her. This is my grandparents doing. They always stick their nose in where it does not belong. They are just like the scale in our bathroom, broken and liars!



A week later I am riding in my brother’s Escalade to the hospital that is only 10 short minutes from my tyrant grandparents’ home, but a three day drive from my safe, beautiful home back in Michigan.

“Why are you so quiet Britt? Cheer up; you will be fine and everything will be good again.” I look into my brother’s dark brown eyes and am thinking how sweet he really is. He tries to act macho and tough because that’s what the girls like, but he really does care for me.

This is the first time I have felt that someone really cares and is trying to do what they believe is best for me. I start to think back to the past week of fighting, ignoring, acting like things are fine, and discussing how long I may be gone. I feel more like my parents are trying to get rid of me because they don’t want to deal with me anymore rather than what they claim about being concerned about my health.

“Here we are…” I blank out on what my brother says after that because I am too busy focusing on the large brick and stucco building that protrudes from the earth. It is almost a monstrosity when I think about it. This amazingly structured building surrounded by beautiful landscapes of rose bushes, flower beds filled with lilies and irises, fountains and man-made streams and waterfalls, and strategically placed benches is a work of art, but is taking away my happiness, my freedom.

Here I am, walking up a long, beautifully laid cobblestone path to the front door of a hospital that will be my home for God only knows how long. I remember being told as long as six months. I will continue to pray, as I have for the past week, that it doesn’t take that long. It would be torture, even worse than sitting at the reject table that one time I wore the same shirt twice in one week and my friends refused to sit with me. I remember how ashamed I was, but I am angry about this whole fiasco.

A seemingly nice lady, who introduces herself as Dr. Erica, shows me around the grounds before bringing me to my room. I don’t even get my own room, I have to share. I try to hide my displeasure with this; judging by the look she is giving me I am assuming my facial expression has betrayed me once again. Dr. Erica left me to unpack with my roommate nowhere to be found. My brother is lying on her vacant bed and is starting to supervise me unpacking my things. My clothes, hygiene products, a diary, and a few pictures and photo albums—my dad practically had to beg them to allow me to bring the pictures since they are not considered necessities.

It has been twenty minutes or so since Dr. Erica left us and I am getting ready to plop down on my bed and relax. A short, plump girl with curly brown hair and cat-green eyes is bouncing into the room. She quickly comes to a screeching halt at the sight of me—and my brother lounging comfortably on her bed. At the sight of her my brother quickly gathers himself and gets up from her bed.

“Sorry about that. It has been a long few days. I am Micah and this is my sister, Brittyn, she will be your roommate for a while I suppose.” My brother always tries to be polite with girls, even with a girl like this that I can never picture him with. I start to wonder why he does this.

“Hi, I am Mercy,” the girl says cheerfully and she shakes my brother’s hand. She then comes to greet me. She seems very nice, not the type of girl I would normally befriend and have slumber parties with.



August 13


Here I am…three months later. I am progressing slowly, but this is mostly because I just tell them what I know they want to hear; no I’m not fat, I am beautiful, food is my friend…and all other sorts of wonderful mumbo-jumbo. Mercy and I, surprisingly, are great friends! We crawl into her bed and stuff out faces with Oreo’s that we sweet talk the handsome college guy who works in the café into giving us. We laugh hysterically at the stupidest things until late in the night. Micah visits often—more often than anyone else in my family—he seems enamored with Mercy. I am fascinated by this because he had never shown an interest in the type of girl that she is. He has always struck me as somewhat shallow and into physical image.






November 3


Micah and Mercy inspire me to try and get better, see things in a different light. If not for them, and their oddly fascinating love for one another, I would be a bitter, angry girl walking around like a dark cloud. They make me want to better myself and my life; maybe I have been sheltered and shallow all these years. I never even entertained the idea that maybe there is something wrong with me, not everyone else, until now. It only took me a little under six months to come to this realization that maybe I needed to change my point of view, not the doctors. I am grateful to the last few months I have spent here.






December 3


I can’t believe this will be my last night in Hope Hospital. I am sad to go, but am glad that Mercy is also returning home. She has lost 45lbs since she has been here, and I have gained 30. We have vowed to stay in touch, and as it turns out she lives the next city over from us so she and Micah can keep in contact!



We do our usual, wait for head count and then I crawl into Mercy’s bed. This night is different somehow, I think to myself. We are both laughing, but we are also becoming very serious. We start to go over what has happened over the past months. Until now we have never talked to one another about why either of us was here, although it has been quite apparent to us both.

“So, why exactly did you have to come here? I mean, I know they said you needed to eat more, but why?” I love this about Mercy, she always gets right to the point, none of the beating around the bush like my friends back in Michigan.

“Well, every time I looked in the mirror I saw this hideous cow that needed to lose weight and no matter how much I lost, I felt like I was gaining.”

“Huh…that’s funny, I had a similar issue, although when I looked in the mirror I thought I looked perfectly fine and that there was nothing wrong with me.”

“There isn’t anything wrong with you Mercy; you are absolutely beautiful just the way that you are! Beauty is on the inside, not the outside. All the physical beauty in the world, in the way society looks at it, couldn’t compare to the beauty you have within yourself.”

“If you truly believe that, then why can’t you see it in yourself?” This question shocks and amazes me.

How could I have been so naïve? How could I not have seen what my brother saw in her from the start, a heart of pure love and beauty?

For the first time in possibly my whole life, I understand. Beauty does come from within. Physical beauty fades, but the beauty of the heart lasts for all eternity and can beam out from a smile, or from a person’s eyes, for everyone who is truly willing to see. Suddenly my life thus far seems to have had no purpose or direction, and my time with my “friends” back home seems like wasted minutes, hours, days, years of my life where I could have been out doing what Mercy just did for me—spreading beauty and love to those who truly need to see it.

Update

Life has been hectic and I have not had a chance to write much lately. Surgery itself went very well, but the recovery was torture. I was in extreme pain for over a month. I kept thinking to myself, "Why in the world did I ever do this to myself? It was not worth it at all."  Now that I am feeling better and getting my life back to normal I am glad that I did it though! As of last week I am down 42lbs! That number will keep climbing as the days, weeks, and months roll on! Of this I am sure. I am able to be more active now and I am rarely ever hungry. This will help me make my weight loss goals. I want to be down 177lbs by the 1 year mark but realistically am only expecting 100lbs. I am determined, as those of you who know me personally can attest to however! =)

As a gift to myself, and a vacation from the crazy stress we endured during my recovery, I am taking my parents to San Diego, California for Spring Break from March 7-11th! I am excited to go back again and even more excited that my parents will get to experience it with me! There really is something for everyone...ANYONE can find something fun to do in San Diego! As a "surprise" I booked a three and a half hour whale watching cruise! I am soooooo excited for that! It really was supposed to be a surprise for my dad, but I got too excited and spilled the beans! Ooops :p

On a side note...I finally got everyone's Christmas gifts...way late...and am very anxious for them to get here. I have a lot more people to buy for this year, but it was so much fun shopping for them online!

Also...my 25th birthday is Saturday...wow am I getting old!